Many parents feel a profound sense of shame when caring for adult children who are not in employment, education or training, a feeling that is amplified by a widespread societal belief that successful parenting is measured by raising independent adults. This hidden grief, described by one mother in a letter to a national newspaper, speaks to an experience that remains largely unacknowledged even as the number of young people classified as NEET – not in employment, education or training – climbs above one million for the first time since 2013.
The mother, who wrote anonymously to protect her children’s privacy, described the “immense” grief of watching a once-thriving child withdraw from education, relationships and the world. “We are the parents who become experts at changing the subject, as our stomachs drop, when someone innocently asks: ‘What are your kids up to these days?'” she wrote. The comments she read beneath an advice column by Annalisa Barbieri, published on 28 June, left her feeling that she had “failed at the most important job of my life”. She is far from alone.
The invisible generation
Official figures show that between January and March 2026, approximately 1.01 million people aged 16 to 24 in the UK were NEET – 13.5 per cent of the age group, up from the previous year. Of these, 61 per cent were economically inactive, meaning they were not working and not looking for work, while 39 per cent were unemployed. Nearly 44 per cent of all NEET young people in England are concentrated in the 22 to 24 age bracket, a group that has often aged out of the school-based support systems that might have caught them earlier.
The reasons these young people are not in work or study are complex and varied. Many live with neurodivergence, severe mental illness, post-Covid syndrome or chronic ill health. The UK’s deepening mental health crisis is especially acute among young women, and research has found a strong link between unemployment and poor mental health. Neurodivergent young people face particular barriers: statistics indicate that only about 22 per cent of autistic adults in the UK are in paid employment. For others, chronic illness or long-term sickness – now a growing driver of economic inactivity – makes sustained employment impossible without significant workplace adjustments under the Equality Act 2010. Educational attainment is also a predictor: young people with no qualifications are disproportionately represented among the NEET population, and children who are not school-ready at ages four or five are nearly three times as likely to be NEET at 16 or 17.
Behind these statistics is a generation of midlife parents whose lives have quietly and profoundly shrunk around caring. The expected “empty nest” phase never arrives, or is indefinitely postponed. Between the 2011 and 2021 censuses, the number of families in England and Wales with adult children living at home rose by 13.6 per cent to nearly 3.8 million – meaning that by 2021, roughly one in every 4.5 families had an adult child still at home. Soaring property prices, the cost-of-living crisis and a fear of accumulating university debt without a guaranteed job have all contributed to this shift. But for many parents, the arrangement is not a matter of choice; it is a necessity born of their child’s complex needs.
The emotional toll is immense and often overlooked. Parents describe feelings of powerlessness, depression, self-blame, stigma and helplessness. Older mothers, in particular, find their own needs and plans sidelined as they continue caring well into later life. The shame the letter writer describes is a direct response to a culture that equates successful parenting with adult independence. Every article about NEETs, she observed, asks how to support the young people themselves – “but almost none ask what this means for the parents holding everything together behind closed doors”.
Supporting the families
Existing support for these families exists, but it is fragmented and often aimed at the young person rather than the parents. The government’s Youth Guarantee seeks to provide young people across Great Britain with access to further learning, apprenticeships and employment support. For neurodivergent individuals, supported employment models have shown promise. Charities such as Mencap, Carers Trust and the Challenging Behaviour Foundation offer helplines and peer networks. Online communities – including those run by Scope and the National Network of Parent Carer Forums – provide a space for parents to share advice and reduce isolation. Local authorities are required to publish a “Local Offer” detailing available services, including parent support groups. For young people with complex needs, transition services aim to coordinate support across health, social care and education as they move into adulthood.
Yet these measures rarely address the emotional and practical burden on the parents themselves. The letter writer posed a pointed question: “If supporting parents gives children the best start in life, why do we stop supporting parents when the caring becomes harder, not easier?” It is a question that challenges a culture in which the shame of having an adult child who cannot launch is borne silently, behind closed doors, by families who have simply become expert at changing the subject.
