Annalisa Barbieri questions if daughter can achieve potential without grammar school tutor

A mother has spoken of her fear that her “very bright” eight-year-old daughter will be penalised by an education system she believes is rigged in favour of the wealthy, as she struggles to afford the private tutoring that has become a near-essential ticket to a grammar school place.

The mother, who asked to remain anonymous, told a newspaper advice column that her daughter, a Year 3 pupil, is already tackling Year 6 maths. The girl attends a state school with large classes and limited resources, so the mother supplements her learning with “fun maths” at home. She had hoped to secure a grammar school place because local secondaries “do not get good results”, but said she cannot afford the private tutors that many other local parents pay for. “I fear my children will be penalised and stuck in a cycle of not fulfilling their potential,” she wrote.

The mother’s own experience feeds into that anxiety. She was diagnosed with dyslexia in her twenties after underachieving and facing disciplinary issues at school. “I could be projecting my baggage and putting unnecessary pressure on my children to do better than me,” she admitted. “But I feel sad and hopeless at the unfairness of this issue in the education system, and the way the rich will always outrun the poor.”

Psychotherapist’s analysis: a pattern of projection and ‘maximising language’

UKCP-registered psychotherapist Sarah Kane, who examined the mother’s letter, said the fears appeared to be rooted in the mother’s own childhood. “I felt you might be trying to correct the imbalance you felt in your own childhood,” Kane said. “I imagine you felt alienation and shame when you were punished unfairly at school, perhaps even labelled as a disobedient or defiant child. That feels very unfair. But the big difference is that your children have you. The lack of support you suffered may be feeding into your need to offer maximum support now.”

Kane highlighted a pattern of extremes in the mother’s language: “no support v maximum support; no attention v maximum attention; failure v success.” She warned that by describing only one child as “bright”, the mother risked “recreating the unfair system within your own family” through a form of “splitting”.

The psychotherapist also drew attention to the mother’s use of what she called “maximising language” – phrases such as “we will be stuck”, “not fulfilling potential” and “the rich will always outrun the poor”. Kane explained that such language “can seem futile, insurmountable” and tends to create anxiety. She recommended replacing “what if” statements with “what is” statements. “What is happening is that your child is bright and you enjoy helping her with learning,” Kane said.

Kane questioned who the maths challenges were really for. “I’m curious who the maths challenges are fun for,” she said. “Do you find them fun but feel under pressure to do them? If so you may be removing all the fun for both of you.”

The wider picture: tutoring, grammar schools and social mobility

The mother’s dilemma reflects a national pattern of inequality in access to selective education. Research shows that private tutoring gives children a substantial advantage in the 11+ exam: approximately 70% of tutored children gain a grammar school place, compared with just 14% of those who receive no coaching. Affluent families are far more likely to invest in tutoring – fewer than 10% of children from below-average-income households receive coaching, compared with around 30% from top-quartile-income households.

The 11+ examination – which is not a single national test but varies by region – typically assesses English, maths, verbal reasoning and non-verbal reasoning. In competitive areas, children often need to rank in the top 15–25% of candidates, and acceptance rates at the most sought-after schools can fall below 5%.

Despite being promoted as engines of social mobility, grammar schools have been shown by multiple studies to entrench disadvantage. In 2019, only 3% of grammar school pupils were eligible for free school meals, compared with 15% in non-selective schools. In areas with selective education, the attainment gap between disadvantaged and non-disadvantaged pupils is often wider than in comprehensive areas. Children who miss out on a grammar place in such areas – even if they are high achievers – are less likely to go on to higher education or gain good degrees than similar pupils in non-selective areas. One analysis found that half of grammar school places are taken by the best-off quarter of families, creating what researchers call a “clustering of relative advantage”.

Critics also point out that intensive tutoring can help children secure places at schools where they may struggle to keep up, leading to a miserable experience. The “shadow education” system of private tuition now involves nearly 30% of secondary students at some point, with cost acting as a significant barrier for lower-income families.

Advice: focus on the child’s present needs

Kane urged the mother to remember that her eight-year-old “knows nothing yet of jobs, education or achievement”. The child’s needs now are different from what her mother may perceive them to be. “It’s good to separate our own needs, fears and wants from those of our children, which are often very different,” Kane said. She suggested the mother reflect on what was going on for her at the age her daughter is now: “Sometimes things buried deep can be reactivated.”

“I promise your child won’t be feeling how you are, but she may sense how you feel and want to please you,” Kane added. “She’s eight. The whole world is before her. Real learning and development is about failing, curiosity and discovering who we are. There’s so much more to be gained from school than just education. It’s where children learn about making friends, negotiating their needs, playing and socialising as well.”

The psychotherapist acknowledged that the world is unfair, but noted that the things most people want – and cannot buy – are love and acceptance for who they are, so they can develop into who they truly want to be.